A nice way to know the health of your relationship is to see how the two of you deal with the other's flaws and ugly truths

Learning tht most times, i m not looking for answers, i just want to dissolve the questions, understanding them better to dissolve them

Not realising when desires slowly blend with fears and turn into them! like white, gray and then black!

If one side of forgiving is healing, is the other low esteem n desperation?

Genuinely fearing God is worse than genuinely fearing society. Because with society atleast there is a tangible possibility of expression. God's judgments are so absolute in nature, in our mind, as planted by the society...He is a contradiction...all forgiving, with a bucket of hell

Laws of attraction

Desire, openness, need, and there it is, the chemistry of attraction

If you feel beautiful, you won't notice if you aren't

I am saying this, because I am learning this again in life. Our desires and fears know us better than we know ourselves, they pave the way and define our lives...
Our innermost desires will manifest...
Our innermost fears will also manifest...
And knowing our own fears and desires will help us forsee, and add twists, by manipulating them.
Perhaps.Perhaps.Perhaps ;)

Fear is a bubble. Burst it.

Popcorn for desire, healthy food for diet :P

While talking to a friend, I began to wonder why I have started enjoying so much of popcorn movies and literature lately...

I think there's stuff that appeals to us for the sake of entertainment, making us laugh, helping us have a good time, but making sure we are always safely tucked in our comfort zones, telling us things we already know in a funny funny manner. We totally totally need this at times, at the end of a tiring or bad day at office, during a low phase, sometimes in a unfettered state of mind, at a content phase of life...just like we need comfort food...

Some of this popular stuff also appeals to something primal, very basic within us...

And there are times when we must push ourselves out of our comfort zones, develop tastes for music that we think is unacceptable to our palletes, read unpalpable pages of a book before we can used to a style, drowsily struggle with abstraction trying our best not to lose patience...

But there is a high at the end of it (Not always, sometimes, sometimes really rarely), the adrenaline rush, the 'fuck, fuck, fuck' expression, and realisations that pull us to another world...

If ego was an inflated balloon, humility is the sharpest needle

Conversation archive: Quick note about social networking

These last few days, have been online...and been very active in the social networking scene...
When in conversation with Nehaa and Kiki, we realised that one of the reasons social networking works is because everyone feels that they have a lot of friends..and these lot of friends will hug you and poke you, care for you with a tap of their fingers...
Very little emotional investment to get rid of a really scary emotion called loneliness. Almost get rid of.

See me, hear me...

You are your virtual presence, your orkut profile, your tweets, your blog posts…and on some strange days, some very strange days…they seem like funny strangers on the road you think you know, but have never met
That you’re not everything you’ve said you are. And yet not dishonest…that you deserve a chance beyond that too, to be seen, met and known as a person. Like physically!

I rather not know who I am, than never know who I can be. All for experimentation. All for it

Musing.Musing. Do unneccesary truths need be told? or truth need be told unccessarily?

I am who I am, cos it works for me

For me atleast, how taxing work is not defined by the amount or the complexity, but by the time i spend procrastinating it and suffering from guilt. And the intensity with which i run to make it to the deadline

I dont want to be famous..I just want to discover my style

Simple lessons of life

Pain leads to pleasure, pleasure leads to pain...

As obtuse, and cliche as it may sound...

Wobbly wheels of time

Sometimes when i can't keep pace with life, when i pass by moments without really touching them, I feel like I am being dragged by the invisible wheels tied to my legs...
The wobbly wheels of time that won't wait, won't slow down, won't stop; The wobbly wheels that I am supposed to keep balancing,
They won't care about me running out of breath, or me wanting to take a break, the pain I have in my chest...they just keep going on and on, and keep pulling me along...

Feeling the fire within. Finally, after so long

Deleting the mental ledger in the mind is a strong sign of vulnerability...cos when your friend asks, what have you done for me? You don't have an answer cos u dont remember...

There are two types of stereotypes. The popular one, that's floating in the air. And the one that's in your mind based of your experience and the existing stereotypes, the latter is what we trapped in...Cos otherwise we wud b schizoic, no? Being schizoid is sure taxing as hell

I am not like the image of me that you may have in your mind...I am much more fickle. By choice

Aspiration

Has to be evasive...Just a stone's throw away,  yet inacessible.
So near, yet so far away
That's what motivates the chase...
That's what makes people buy stuff that helps build any illusion/reality that brings them close to what they desire for...
Everything marketed exploring the platform of aspiration is a promise bridge to the evasive, mysterious aspiration

Prejudice

Prejudices held against many (a community!) fall down when you get to know each one of them individually...so in a way, prejudice seems like a justification for your lack of knowledge, and your lack of time or motivation for it...
So that you can go scott free, by tossing prejudice to anybody's face. So that you can tell yourself, you know, when you only know your prejudice...So that you can feel strong and powerful, when your not..So that you never know that there is nothing more to it at all...

This post gives me immense peace, because how much I hate myself when I am prejudiced, now I know why I am so, when I am so...

Power color

Learning that in the larger scheme of things, opinion does not matter, power does...
Power in its myriad forms...Accumulated power of experience, the power of manipulation, the power of aggression, the power of persistence and conviction, the dark & ugly absolute power, the white collared power, power of the collective, the power of the opinion that awakens this collective...

What is optimism? A boat or a balloon

Can't respect an optimist who does not understand pessimism
It's like marketing, without knowing who your competition is, why they exist or what they are doing

P.S: Very often when people express their optimism to me, I imagine a balloon filled with air. Whats the point of expressing optimism? Isn't it a sacred belief, a risk taken with hope alive, a driver, personal personal? Just like a balloon this optimism floats, but all it takes is a needle. Shouldn't optimism be a boat instead, with the ability to float...what makes it float has the wisdom of experience...not so easy to prick with a needle?

Stereotypes

If I were a psychiatrist, I would use stereotypes as a reference dictionary, but treat every person I meet as a unique case....everyone deserves that much. A chance

When in conversation with a friend,

Past is always right. Because its over :) (When you're doubting your little decisions, not talking of Hitler like stuff here!)

Dedicated to her....

When you are aggressive, you never end up knowing whether you could actually put your point across or just simply shut the person up

Of course, presuming u only just didn't want to shut the person up! :P

Mind your heart /Heart your mind?

My mind can spin all sorts of stories about you when your not around and make you a villian...
But when I see you, my heart slashes down in a minute all that I meticulously built against you for months...

To close friends, with whom I have tiffs n miffs :)

The better I get with empathizing, the more schizoic I become. Confirmed.
Where is the Buddha's balance?

Building the gap bridge

I realise now, negotiation and convicing are always high stakes affairs, when there is a need to open the other's mind to see your perspective...
What works is to begin with "I agree with you, but..", its like crossing over to the other side of the bridge, hold their fingers, take a stroll through both your lands, and walk them through to your side of the mind map, seamlessly

Debating is low stakes, you can be yourself, argue, fight, yell, be aggressive and show the middle finger..Debate when you have nothing much to lose...debating is with friends...

You are allowed to change your sides, both times. Hopefully! :)

How to deal with pain?

Sipping pain like wine or Gulp it down - bottoms up?
Every sip is a sting, every gulp a sting
Like waxing vs. plucking every hair out individually?

Rejection is when one party senses & voices the mutual incompatibility in the relationship before the other. Nothing personal, really

Compromise is making a choice you don't want to really make...Right? No, I don't agree...

Compromise is not standing up for the choice you made, compromise is lack of foresight, really...

It's making a choice and then cribbing about it. It's chosing one thing with all consciousness, and then complaining that life is unfair it didn't let you take two chocolates instead

Wanting 2 chocolates is fine. I am all for greed. But greed requires planning, foresight and determination, which might come more from you, than your life or your destiny

I have come to realise human beings are equipped for individuality intellectually and technologically (so technically yes!), but not so emotionally...

Ecstasy is super expensive.A rare treat to binge on...

Unhappiness is for free.

Happiness is affordable, the middle class can at any rate ;)

Permanent love is a zerosum thing, where obviously security & comfort have the highest score

After your quarter life crisis, you just forgive yourself for being anonymous, stop expecting too much out of yourself, stop blaming yourself for not performing, not finding tht genius in you, not finding those answers...

And start making whatever you can of life, and concentrate on living every moment, so tht u stop being anonymous, so tht u perform, find tht genius in you and find those answers...

Umbrella vs Raincoat?

The all encompassing open umbrella of friendship or the wrapping, body hugging, cosy raincoat of a romantic relationship?
The former won't protect you from every drop of rain...and the latter, might leave you claustrophobic when its not raining...

Confusion

So you questioned the society,  you questioned your parents, questioned your ideas of right and wrong...changed your friends, changed your curtains, changed what you did, what you read, what you wrote, what you thought, and its now time to question yourself again, who are you now? an extension of ur friends, ur institution, ur teachers, the books tht u changed n read?

The chase?

I don't mind running, so that you can always have the pleasure of the chase...

But can I always just keep running without a purpose or a goal? Is running ever a permanent state of mind? Don't you run to get somewhere or get something, after which you want to stop running?

And what about my aching legs, my constantly burning energy, my lost breath? Will you be my energy refill tank too?

So you chase to get me, thts wat makes the chase so passionate, the presence of an elusive prize...But I know  you chase for the sake of the chase, and i could easily be substituted with another elusive one, because till now, you don't know me at all, cos u've only been chasing

Let there be angst, restlessness, discontent, fear, hope, confusions and loud laughter..they are the brewing signs of life...yeay! you're living!

Every other place in the world, you need to carry your face...and bear the consequences of what it offers; Only on the internet, it could be otherwise...So why not hope?

This is the closest I have come to understanding why people create fake ids on the internet - its a total fantasy world of escape
Have met quite a few of them in the recent past as part of the profession...

The more I live, the more I realise, imperfect is the only thing that is really perfect; cos everything is imperfect...
Ya, its all messed up now

Flirting is making a promise without a guarantee :P

The schizo in me

Passionately believes and fights for the cause of the pedestrians while walking; Howls and growls at every driver
Passionately believes and fights for the cause of the drivers while driving; Abuses and curses every pedestrian

I am the scientist, and I am my guinea pig, and my life is a series of experiments, a - 1000 step journey - to finding whatever it is that I can find after 1000 steps
Well, Alva Edison, found the bulb...
This is the closest I come to defining the purpose of my life!

To art, first stop judging yourself; First comes venting, then comes expression...venting is usually ugly, but it has to get out...

With this thought, I am going to paint and take photos this weekend...this weekend to art!

We have families, because they help us resolve our anonymity

If we were all perfect, we wouldn't need each other, and yet, what we most complain about is the other's imperfections

From feeling lonely to enjoying solitude, one has to go a long way, and one must have come a long way
Allowing the role and relevance of relationships to metamorphasise along the way

Its not a utopic world, and I am not perfect, so to wade thru, expectations

When you define yourself, everyone thinks thats you...including yourself

Silence

Is a sea of opportunities for you to interpret in any way that you like
It takes the shape of the container of your thought
But it also slips away from your hand like sand....because its so indefinite, that you're unsure of your interpretations
Its like vodka, blending seamlessly with the flavor of any thought drink that you're mind can offer
But its always a mystery unsolved, cos it presents so many infinite possibilities, and absolutely no absolute answer

P.S: Of course, the vodka analogy is entirely an effect of the current study :P

Expectations

When you expect, I can only end up fulfilling your expectations, cos surpassing them is just too much effort
When you don't expect, every gesture gets me brownie points,
So I rather do, when you don't expect, cos I love brownie points

If you haven't decided to decide yet, every answer will lead to another unanswered question

And the twain meets

Acceptance is so that you and yourself become a team to deal with what you could not accept in the first place

Take it at face value

For the longest time today, I kept wondering how much more we let our pain affect us more than our pleasure...pain causes trauma, prolongs and metamorphises us, what is pleasure's equivalent of all this?
More our products of our pain, than our pleasure?

Fuzzy identity

Funny how hard we fight to differentiate ourselves from one another for sake of 'finding ourselves', carving an identity and then after doing a fine job of it, end up being alone...complain of loneliness and set out to find other people who are like us (and form groups)

Funny how people in these different groups, are always trying to/fitting into similar roles that would exist in any other group (the jester, the lazybone, the loner, the hero etc. etc.)

The four brothers

The four brothers are a Balinese concept - Everyone is born with the 4 brothers of Intelligence, Strength, Friendship and Poetry (Wow!), who we can all upon whenever we need them :)
Ya, sounds so beautiful, that I am going to believe in it

The Self - pity retreat

Its a perfect gift of indulgence...from yourself, to yourself...
When you finally stop moral policing yourself, and let go...
Oh Brood, cry out loud, and keep brooding...you don't have to be optimistic now...you don't have to hope
Finding the unconditional someone to turn to, it's you when you stop playing your matron...
Only for a litte while though...Smothering yourself with chocolates is a required temporary relief and just to keep in mind, not a permanent solution

Whenever I have binged on self - pity, I have gotten back to normal within hours, perkier, chirpier with all my enthusiasm restored...
Its not so bad really...you don't always have to hopeful or positive...
But it's a binge, be sure of that

An artist thinks of himself and the marketer of his TG

Manifestation

is like cleaning the slate everyday morning....to let the day take on...fill the resovoir of hope and strength

More on forgiving

Forgiving is not what you give when someone asks you for it...
It's what you've given yourself, b4 anyone can noe or mention...
Forgiving is not abt others, they are just incidental, a stimulus to help u understand

The sweet despair, the leftover sigh of an unfulfilled desire grows into a bitter poison, with the catalyst of time

Tree

I noticed a huge tree near my building....and found myself asking it a question...Don't you feel like seeing the world?...How can be so happy, doing the same thing everyday, being in the same place everyday?..
And i think when it answers me, I will find enlightenment!

The eunuch experience

I met two of them in the train...in meticulously well - tied sarees, bindis on their forehead, long - earrings, nose rings, kajal in their eyes...
It was quite a contrast...they with all their symbols and me with none...and yet, I was infinitely more feminine...
Was she trying to be feminine by just using the symbols, conditioning and convincing herself  and others of her femininity?

She? was merrily whistling, oggling and generously blowing flying kisses at all the random men she saw,
Very overtly and comfortable asserting her sexuality...
At which point, I noticed again a contrast...I would never ever ever do that, I wouldn't be able to...In fact I would shun at the very thought of it...
I was the one conditioned, she wasn't!

Perhaps conditioning is what others (read society) do to you, without your knowledge...

Also got me on to pondering about what were her desires? Why doesn't she feel complete, is it a social cause or a biological need?

Admiration is exhilaration, but love is comfort

Beauty

Not born with a beauty that I could not handle or understand
Finding and creating what I can

On artists

Becoming an artist is your choice...Good and bad artist will be defined by others...
All artists are both good and bad, depending on their times

Sometimes the best lesson to learn is to forget your last lesson

My fingers type only what overflows

Expression

Expression is like the wish you blow from the back of your palm...hoping, wishing that it reaches the people who will understand and appreciate who you are
Hoping, wishing to find people you know and don't know, who might untie your knots to help you fly higher and further

The wish, now has to make a journey and on its way, it meets and brushes past many people. Irrelevant, unwanted, or judgmental...But what does it matter? The wishes' journey does not end here....The wish won't stop till it solves the purpose of your expression. Everyone else you meet on the way, is incidental..Enjoy a different perspective and stay unfazed. You ain't doing anything till you create a controversy.

Your incapability is temporary, if your endeavour is continuous

Art and God

God is what you can't explain.
God is when you can't articulate or understand or define your source of inspiration
If you're an artist, the best way to evaluate a piece of your work is to see if it has surpassed your imagination...if it was something that you never thought would come out of you...
Art is a way of getting to know yourself better...
Appreciation is when others understand you...

Judgment, opinion and critique

Judgment is the manifestation of a closed mind, an opinion is evaluation of an idea at a moment in time, a critique has to earn money, and is detached for the most part...detachment can ease out dealing with contradictions

Wand brothers

Regret and guilt are like Lord Voldemort and Harry Potter, connected by wands made out of the same pheonix feathers.
Guilt happens when you give into your desires (heart) over what is defined and believed as right or wrong (head/conscience)
Regret happens when you choose you head over your heart
Guilt must be gotten over. Regret must be avoided

Institutionalised compassion is religion

Religion is a social construct...Compassion, and God don't have to be worshipped or institutionalised...

The idea of you

I don't have to love your physical self and yet love you as a concept, an idea...
As an idea, you can be made perfect in my head...
But ideas can't love you back, so your love for an idea will always remain unrequited
And even if you love me as an idea, its the idea of me that's being loved, and not me...
So is there some miscommunication going on here?

Conflict balloon

Guilt is a warning to the bigger storm of a conflict balloon within you that's confused about your right and wrongs...as the conflict balloon grows, your guilt grows too...the good news is that, your very close to both the conflict balloon and the guilt bursting, soon

Admire perfection, relate to imperfection
Worship the absolute hero, love your benchmate from school

Don't pray to be healed or look for "some other world." You are the soul and medicine for what wounds the soul.

Rumi

Community and society

"The difference between a community and society is that a community has people with common selfish or vested interests...a society consists of everybody, whether you like it or not"

"A relationship consists of 2 individuals with strong common selfish interests"


- Nithya

A community is a multifarious relationship, what is a society then?
A society is a larger community of course, but it being so huge & diverse, and add to the fact that there is no strong threat from the outside for its existence, that is not much need to get together...A community replicates a society to every individual member of the society   


More on this as my thoughts progress...

A life of shit

I have realised what I want to do in life...
Study, travel, teach ........................................................................................................
And of course, find my mode of self - expression...
I want my life to be beautiful, and I don't think the power of being a CEO can bring any beauty into it...
I see the amount of shit it takes to get there, and I know how shit can change us and our perspectives on life, over a prolonged period of a time span called your life!

Absolutely sexist...

She felt she wasn't a woman just enough to seduce a man, she always found herself lacking....So she waited for someone who was man enough to seduce her, make her feel more of a woman

Life is a carnival. But you need to look past the crowd, the heat, the sweat and the human traffic jams...

Men die for their ideals so that, the ideals they die for contiue to live for eternity...Worth it?
Their death is never for other people, that's a norm illusion...it's always for an ideal

You

You are a reaction to some random stimuli. Keep changing your stimuli equally randomly once a way...

Sycophants create the aura of power..so can you exude power if you can't stand them?

My Mary Poppins

Time is my Mary Poppins..
With time, I notice that things have changed, that I have learnt to be happy, the seeds sowed on both sides of the road long ago, have grown into plants that have started flowering
Time is my Mary Poppins. Heals me, transforms me, and my view of life

Beloved anger, I need to break up with you now

Anger is an outcome of your helplessness actually. But you end up mistaking it for the power that might produce the results you might want
And believe you me, you will never see the results, only more anger

To a friend I love...

I really don't know life at all...

Nothing has moved me so much in a long while now, like the way this song did...It so reflects my state of mind....


Both sides now - lyrics

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons evrywhere
Ive looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on evryone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
Ive looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its cloud illusions I recall
I really dont know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As evry fairy tale comes real
Ive looked at love that way

But now its just another show
You leave em laughing when you go
And if you care, dont let them know
Dont give yourself away

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really dont know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
Ive looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say Ive changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living evry day

Ive looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all
Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all

Posting 2 versions:

The original one By Joni Mitchell

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKQSlH-LLTQ&feature=PlayList&p=2EBE77B3B54264F4&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=10

And one by Neil Diamond: Just for his voice

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_l6zeu6Y0Q&NR=1&feature=fvwp

Gossip and goals are the spices that get us involved with our lives. They save our mundane days and mundane years

Compassion

What can bind human beings, if not for compassion? Generosity and compassion are the first level variables to practise acceptance, detachment and independence

Fuck it, forgive

If you don't believe in being perfect, then you must also believe in forgiving
Feeling a sense of loss is one thing, feeling angry is another
Getting hurt is temporary, but anger prolongs it
Fuck it. Forgive.

To friends, who I love very dearly

Habit is a sexy security blanket. But the thrill of chill is gone..totally gone

Make your mind up in a flash second, make that decision, if not for anything else, just to shoo those demons off, who always threaten to tear your head apart

There is this person called Nehaa...she is a damn good friend, and she says these damn funky things, which i am too tempted to write and keep note of :)

"Tension lene ki nahin, dene ki cheez hoti hain"

Her advice to keep dropping hints to my boss, saying I am going to quit, when there is too much work pressure :P

Open boundaries

Will cross my known boundaries to define my new boundaries, and then cross my defined boundaries to redefine them

Should not get caught in anything that has a defined area...a larger area does not change the fact that it is still a closeted space...In fact a larger area can produce a stronger illusion of openness...

Leave a small opening to escape. Incomplete is cool

Bloody diamond

"Blood is all mixed up....
Doesn't know caste or religion..."

And yet, these bloody wars...don't let us see that

I think I am writing on Nehaa's behalf now :P

When you turn 18, my kid, this is what I will write on your card

"Go wild. Call me if you need anything"

And all Nehaa says is, 18 is too late :P

Ego curtains

It's only when I see and deal with other's monstrous egos that I see mine too...
Boy, O, Boy, its such a lovely curtain...satin, thick, black and blinding

Suffering from chronic procrastination

For a procrastinator, work is like gas...will take up all the time and space given, partly work, partly guilt

Complete island

When you're an island, your better half is just a part of you

Divide yourself into two, and pick your better half

When you are not God, you're just more accessible, no more a concept, and more human - free to err, free to be...so you know, if you think about it, its better to be human than God

Flimsy, fluid, malleable.

If I believe that I will see us together, I am an idealist...If I decide to move on, I am a realist..
So you see, what I am, depends on what I think...

If you get the best of me, if you can take honesty, I am all me...If you're boring and important, I am fake...
So you see, what I am depends on who you are

If I am thinking black, I am a villian and if i think white, a hero?
So you see, what I am depends on your definitions, and perhaps mine

Sometimes an artist, sometimes a popular artist who makes money...
So you see, what I am depends on these circumstances and these structures defined long before me, I wish sometimes, there was no money

Own a motel on the crossroads, talking to passersby, yet to take the plunge...But I am convinced, all these roads going all different directions have secret tunnels connecting them, secretly underground

Does it make a damn difference who you are...defined by your situations, society and thoughts? Change the variables and do you find a different you?

Who you are is an illusion, don't take it/yourself too seriously?

To combine charm, confidence and humility is a task...

Right regret

We often escape the disease of regret by swallowing the pill of illusion, that convinces that we are 'right'

It's one thing to be opinionated, but it's another to die for your opinion? Worth it?

Not me, but so true

"Since the world is a reflection, the only way to transform the other is through one's own transformation."

"One way to higher consciousness is through the mirror of relationship."

"There is no way to peace.Peace is the way"

Awareness is the first alphabet in the language of communication with the self...
Experimentation is the next...

The nature of our thoughts

Sometimes like the many different branches of a tree, sometimes like its deep roots, sometimes sudden, quick and enlightening, like the blooming of a flower, sometimes taking any shape like a river, sometimes overbearing and unstoppable like a flood, sometimes random, and undecidedly powerful, like a gust of wind...

I belong to the generation that catches up with the ads on youtube. My current favorites

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgT7ueACtxw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1KdGHM5X38
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jciMOd8cYbs

It just struck me, the concept of janma are like the rays in the diagram beside.
We need to extend using dotted lines to make the ends meet, make that connection

Lost in translation

I just made a discovery...if you are uncomfortable using a word in a language...trying using the same word in another language that you don't know...it's easier...cos for a little time your mind is free of the connotations that exist for the word...the meaning is lost...its only gibberish...

I wish I could translate my solution with words, for solutions with actions? to get rid of the biases of my mind...my trappings...my history...

How will you know if you don't?

A real illusion is better than an artificial illusion...like an onion, the illusions get better, they get more real

My beloved Rumi!

Some of my favorite quotes of Rumi...

"In their seeking, wisdom and madness are one and the same. On the path of love, friend and stranger are one and the same."

"Gamble everything for love, if you are a true human being! Half-heartedness does not reach into majesty."

"Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love"

We've stopped evolving, haven't we?

Collectives are rigid, rule driven and hierarchical, and their only reason is that they want infinite, indefinite, assured survival and of course stability, too much stability, with only sacrifice as a distraction from anything routine...

I say they can survive, but definitely not evolve...stability and rules can ensure survival, but only chaos, and no rules can ensure evolution...so i don't think we are evolving, cos we are so scared of destruction and mayhem....who knows what will happen when all of us cease to exist? Why presume we are the be all and end all of everything? and tht nuthing better can exist without us? i think by being a collective, we ensure the survival of the weakest, and force the fit to waste energies saving them....thus defying the survival of the fittest, thus defying evolution?

Our gravest fears arise out of our capacity to understand probability (Don't we fear things that we think have a higher probability of occurrence based on our understanding of our current situation?)...or our perception to think we can...not giving uncertainity a chance, and of all things making our fears certain, come true!

Note of things said, worth pondering about again & again

"Grasp not, cling not, fear not, observe what happens,for you are not what happens, you are to whom it happens."

"You are nothing perceivable or imaginable, yet without you there can be neither perception nor imagination."

"When I quantify time I create space. Space is a way of measuring time. When I quantify myself I create a person."

"True success is the progressive expansion of happiness. It is the ability to express spontaneous joy and share it with others."

"Creativity is a quantum jump in mental space time events. It happens when there is surrender to the wisdom of uncertainty."

There is always a spot in your heart that understands your enemy's point of view so well that you can convince yourself that they are right too...that's when your beginning to get it all..forever

Knowing about heaven

can make hell unbearable!

How I celebrated my Independence day

I strolled through Colaba Causeway, entered Kazo, tried everything that looked attractive, felt bad about such shops that have all these party clothes that tell you that your fat, help you make strong resolutions,and then make you feel guilty when you give up on those, but picked a lovely seductive black evening dress

And made an even nicer resolution, to go partying every friday night, to all those pubs my respodents have been discussing about for the past 3 weeks :D

had wine, laughs, fun and long yapping sessions with friends....the best independence day ever...

Just wanted to let you know

That I am not the same person you knew 2 years ago. My genes have mutilated, I am defamed and spoilt, and deformed soulfully.

And I want to begin a new day, in a new place, doing new things, in a new way...

To my parents...

Patience is about keeping yourself busy when your waiting for something to happen

I always thought, generosity might trap you...in one spark of a moment, i realised, how it can actually free u

Because when you are generous, you're only spending all your time and energy and effort being generous, not thinking of your ego, even of the other, that's person's deeds and misdeeds, freeing your mind of any math and aftermath..by just being generous, being all that you are in that moment, living it fully and moving on; knowing, not knowing, caring, not caring of the consequences...

All other times u r thinking, and i think (:P), by thinking too much, we stop being

Waiting for this!

"When this restless agony is spent. When this madness has exhausted itself. In the stillness of the stillness you will find love"

Rumi

Two friends to each other

You're so blinded by your happiness that you don't want to have anything to do with me
I am so blinded by my misery and suffering that I don't want to have anything to do with you

Dedicated to 2 friends who stopped talking to each other one fine morning...by unsaid mutual consent, and drifted apart forever

Forgiving

Came across some very interesting quotes on forgiving. I am a great believer and usually a practitioner of forgiving - unabashedly, always, everyone..till some time ago atleast...Recently is a different me...more egoistic, self - centred, cynical, not so giving or forgiving me...

"Forgiving what we can't forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." Smedes

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." Lewis B. Smedes

"Decide to forgive. Make your mind up. Then don't listen to anything, don't get trapped in the maze of any questions, any doubts...just forgive and experience the marvel, the lightness, the freedom"

Yes, to forgive is to free yourself, to stop being the victim. Can I forgive yet? Maybe not...Don't know why its so hard though....it's so wonderful and your heart's repelling wonder....or is it your ego? May be wisdom and generosity come with time....so will forgiving

So long..till then!

When the words you write are the not the things you feel

Sometimes words that you write don't make sense...cos they are disjointed with your emotions...cos you refuse to accept your emotions and accept your words instead and use them to run away from accepting your emotions

Relationships in the air

I try and define my relationships by what's in the air between two people

Uncomfortable all pervasive awkwardness that hijacks your hiccuping conversation??

A tall sound proof glass wall, through which you can see the other person, but can't really talk to...you can't listen to them, they can't listen to you
Unbreakable wall, indestructible wall

Tension, self - doubts, sought approvals....Please say I am as good as you, in your league, if not better...actually I know I'm definitely not better

And white light, indescribable warmth, acceptance...blabber what you want, be yourself, be dumb, be smart, be something, be nothing, love me more, love me less...it doesn't matter beyond a point...I love you no matter what! And there's something magical about this feeling in the air between two people that makes them the best of who they are...that makes them want to be their best...effortlessly...conversation flows...silences are not awkward...secrets dissolve, white light acceptance...You are who you are, and it doesn't matter who you are!

What I am talking about is cliche...but rare to find too!

To all those friends who embrace me effortlessly with all my insecurities...in whose presence I laugh and effortlessly make an endless conversation

Nobody wants pain...their own or even others'
They all want 'optimism and a good sense of humor'
Can we really see optimism without hitting the rock bottom and having our brushes with pessimism?
Can we laugh and humor without understanding the depth of a tragedy?
By escaping pessimism, we also escape optimism
By trying to avoid pain, we also lose out on the loud, bright and soulful laughter

Fiery ideals

All that killing, toil & turmoil, sacrifice of self and others, pain and misery...for the sake of your ideals?
Those ideals that don't have emotions, that won't take care of you when your ill...like human lives could
Those ideals that dictate your life, that don't allow you to question them without doubting your loyalty
Ideals are blindfolds, so that you can rightfully stop thinking, find conviction without knowing that its false, do whatever it takes to find whatever the ideal offers you..A foundation pillar for our illusion
Ideals don't have any emotions, you can never talk to them...they can never talk to you...like human lives could...
And we destroy others and cause ourselves pain too, for those fiery ideals
I never would want to be your slave, you self - proclaimed master...I rather be immoral...and confused...and lost...but free

Honesty may be a virtue, but not all are v(w)ic(s)e enough to be able to take it!

The gift of the magi, and P.S. I love you have helped me see everyday love with the blacks, the blues and the whites
and understand it better...
Why its so worth it, everyday...

Your children grow up to be those uncomfortable questions that you tried running away frm all ur life...
Questioning the choices that you made peace with so many years ago...
They are your alternate selves
Don't try to convince them of your 'right' choices
As I said, they are your alternate selves...let them make those alternate choices you didn't...so that you can live more and die wiser

"Which instigates the moral reflection that life is made up of sobs, sniffles, and smiles, with sniffles predominating."

- O'Henry, Gift of the Magi

sUNsCreen - Have you heard it yet?

Nice to know some people have answers to everything...this song makes me feel good...as if somebody is sorting out my life and head for me...the effects may be temporary...But for the momentary pleasure, read on!

Baz Luhrmann - Sunscreen

Ladies & Gentlemen of the class of ’97

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind;

you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.

But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….

You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blind side you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up withpeople who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance…

Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

(Brother and sister together we'll make it through...Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there. I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.Everybody's free.)

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain in-alienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

(Brother and sister together we'll make it through...Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there. I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be therefor you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can. Everybody's free.)

Gin soaked boy :D

Upbeat, fun...contradictory, urges to explore...I love this song, so much!

Im the darkness in the light
Im the leftness in the right
Im the rightness in the wrong
Im the shortness in the long
Im the goodness in the bad
Im the saneness in the mad
Im the sadness in the joy
Im the gin in the gin-soaked boy

Im the ghost in the machine
Im the genius in the gene
Im the beauty in the beast
Im the sunset in the east
Im the ruby in the dust
Im the trust in the mistrust
Im the trojan horse in troy
Im the gin in the gin-soaked boy

Im the tigers empty cage
Im the mysterys final page
Im the strangers lonely glance
Im the heros only chance
Im the undiscovered land
Im the single grain of sand
Im the christmas morning toy
Im the gin in the gin-soaked boy

Im the world youll never see
Im the slave youll never free
Im the truth youll never know
Im the place youll never go
Im the sound youll never hear
Im the course youll never steer
Im the will youll not destroy
Im the gin in the gin-soaked boy

Im the half-truth in the lie
Im the why not in the why
Im the last roll of the die
Im the old school in the tie
Im the spirit in the sky
Im the catcher in the rye
Im the twinkle in her eye
Im the jeff goldblum in the fly

Who am i?

When your floating wild, without an anchor that can tie you, guide you, keep you...there will come a time when all your companion waves will float away and disappear...

There will always be others...Or will there always be others?

A lot of pain can make you a lot of a poet...Do you want to be a poet?

Living a quick life everyday, all of it, in those little surprising small happy moments

There is no 'blind faith'. Faith is blind

"Letting your parents know who you are is a process. I have been doing it for the past 5 years. And it requires love, understanding, patience and all that..."


Nikhil Goyal - in an unexpected moment of a quickbite conversation

“Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope.” (Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers)

Although I am not a doper, I can get what they saying!

I've lived on the lip of insanity, knocking at God's door. The door opens. I've been knocking from the inside. Rumi

Being a hero is taking too much responsibility for others, too much dependence on the other to confer the title
But no matter what you are, who you are, if you have less to do with others, your not a hero

Shake the trails of fear, don't die with them...don't let this life be a waste...

Break up song

I imagine to introduce my wonderful husband to you.
I imagine that you get jealous of him
I imagine that I share the stories of my adventurous life with you
I imagine that I tell you stories of my boy friends
I imagine that i introduce you to my kids
I imagine to show off my evolved self and my awesome life
What i can't imagine though, is a life without imagining you as a part of it..

Interactive Tamil TV programming and rich consumer insights

Today mom was watching a show called 'Acchi Samayal sandehangal' (Acchi's presents For your doubts on cooking) on one of these tamil channels, where people would call up this expert chef/dietician (a different one every week) and ask whatever doubts they had wrt different dishes they wanted to cook (How do i make paneer fried rice, not the chinese one, but the indian one?), ingredient proportions (Do I need to use this exotic ingredient that everyone uses in this alien dish, if so why?), ingredient inclusions (Can i make this food without using egg?) etc.

The more i listened to the show, the more fascinated I was, cos it was so rich wrt to consumer insights...Paneer being an outsider in south india, people didn't know much about it... but it also has a high aspirational value....most of the doubts were on dishes that were famous but north indian or say made well only in brahminical families...

The interactive format is very interesting cos, people were forthcoming and talking about cooking methods, procedures, dishes they like/dislike etc. spontaneously and very honestly...the kind of richness that always doesn't come about after probing ;)
Tamil programming is very very interactive as opposed to the north which is very limited to smsing etc.
For eg. take Comedy time or
Pepsi Ungal Choice where people went beserk about the VJ (or the tamil gec equivalent of it) Uma, and got a kick speaking to her for 5 mins...even that show in retrospect gave us a sharp peek into the lives of people and their likes and dislikes wrt music
And of course Uma was a rock star overnight!

Quali research is an imp way to understand things undoubtedly, but for brand managers and account planners....interactive media can also give us real sense and feel of our TG, as the audience is very forthcoming during these moments

Insights - What propelled me to place my first online order

I was midway through a book i was really really enjoying..left it in the flight...had to finish it any cost...which means i had to buy from landmark, crossword or strand (the book shops easily accessible and usually visit)
strand is the closest, and while its an awesome shop for browsing, its not got the most comprehensive selection...
Didn't know with my near future work schedule if i can make it to landmark, i rather avoid going there on weekdays, not any more traffic jam than what i am required to take...
called kingfisher - they don't have the book
meanwhile checked for an ecopy online, as expected...too rare...
while ebook hunting, read an awesome review...shit! have to have to read it...
one link led to another and i started browsed through the rupa publications website, checked prices, thought they were very reasonable...i hate trying amazon or barnes and noble cos when i look at the dollars, i think they are overpriced..and def. not for me

I thought i should atleast register with Rupa and add the book to the shopping cart and see what happens, when the billing options were displayed, i realised i didn't have to have a credit card...i could transfer frm my internet bank account, which i am comfortable doing...Ya! its done...
so my biggest barrier for internet shopping was the fact that i didn't know that i didn't need to have a credit card for buying/shopping....i could use my debit card or internet banking!!

So while the trigger was that i desperately needed the book (inner courtyard), the facilator was the fact there were many options available for payment...including using a debit card or an internet banking account!

Yeay and thus goes my story....
Now don't ask me about why i don't still have a credit card...just one of those things...never needed one, and all that

As long as i have air to breathe, music to listen to, books to read, people to meet, movies to watch and thoughts, to write and think about...i think i am more or less fine...which means, i can be more or less fine almost, always

My favorite names

Sayuri - from Memoirs of a Geisha, so complete, like a circle...and soft
Dopdi - affectionate, like a kid trying to say Draupadi...

On a writing rollercoaster ride

Loads more to write on rugged, ruddy, coarse Kanpur...and Ratnagiri and Nasik...and more...but that for totally another day...
Have written so much today, that its making me feel relieved...most times i lose what i think...and i hate that...
I know i need to work and better all of my posts so that the reader can make half sense out of all my thoughts...even me after 2 yrs i guess...but that too for another day...today i am just relieved, after writing so much and unloading myself....

Now can peacefully go back to the LOADS of wrk i have left to do...I can't even quit now, just out of sheer propriety...so much work left

Musical identity - Bollywood, anyone?

In a post i had written a long time ago, i thought abt how a certain kind of music could possibly reflect a society...carnatic music with its rigidity, and minute rules is just abt discovery of a permutation and combination within defined boundaries, just like the strict and rigid boundaries that defined our society and the high of a discovered route for reconcilation...

Jazz with its redefination of the very idea of melody is the exact opposite...
And i am somewhere in the middle...neither carnatic, and nor jazz..not there yet atleast

While in Kanpur, was listening to a few instrumentals playing in the background at the hotel i was staying...many of these english instrumentals reminded me of some hindi song or the other, so i just kept wondering, what is the core musical genre that bollywood is influenced by? i agree its fusion now, frm things all over the world...but what is its core really?
then i realised, its not indian classical music...cos classical is very unpopular, with a very strong brahminical influence...wondered wat did the masses listen to then? where is folk now? has folk formed the core influence for bollywood, or is it western and then went on to thinking if western classical was also as inaccessible and unpopular in Europe and liked by the few sophisticated elite? etc etc.
So what is the history of the guys who created bollywood music?

Miyazaki and my resolve

I have seen 4 miyazaki movies till now..saw kiki's delivery service lately and realised i don't remember much about princess mononoke...the same powerful tying in of myth, fantasy and technology...within the broader landscape of a contemporary society

So witches fly and co-exist without any hoopla, just like a different sect, like other kinds of people...No american u vs me, or its either you or me concepts...no insecurity..
is it because the japanese are so hierarchical, that it doesn't take much to fit in one more ladder in their hierarchy...he is a cobbler, he is a an untouchable, she is the queen, and she is a witch...so a collective can easily grapple with diversity by the use of hierarchy?
Another one of my observations is that, a collective societies have myths, destinies , and outer supernatural forces operating more naturally...one of the reasons cud b tht, since the collective is so rigidly defined and everybody's identity is closely dependent on the rest of the society, an individual is dependent on these very same outer forces like destiny and miracles to make things happen for him

The collectives also define god to cultivate an inherent idea of a panopticon....to manage and survive, the weakest should be able to survive, so the strongest has to help the weakest, and for that we need to make the strongest believe that he ain't the strongest...
which is why the rulers are linked to god...god ordained etc...reconciling with the fact that power and authority is also required to control a mass of ppl, and the ruler has to be vested with as much power as god...we haven't seen god and we can't continuously believe of his presence...so we need someone to take his place...BUT, he is human afterall, and we have defined a society where we need to convince god is the strongest or rather noone is stronger than any of us and so..

In that sense, seems like an individualistic society is more evolved and science believer, won't accept superstitions and miracles and coincidences and supernaturals governing us at face value...will take things in my own hands, simply bcos i can...and for the most part, my identity ain't/need not be compulsorily dependent on what is the rest of the society is doing...so you find another kind of diversity cropping up in these societies, every human being an island...so while diversity is created, i am not sure if these societies are equipped/evolved enuff to handle them...so problems of alienation, longing for acceptance, loneliness etc.

The further we move away frm being a collective, the more indi we become, the more we move away frm the idea of acceptance...so i wonder, if thats a good thing, drawing me to another fundamental question, do we need to maintain the collective, do we need to survive....will our survival help us evolve or shud we just let us be? why this inherent assumption that our survival is our responsibility and an inherent necessity?

So coming bak to princess mononoke...its abt the outliers/rejects of the society - the prostitutes, untouchables who work for the iron factory which causes pollution and ultimately destroys nature...miyazaki uses powerful personifications for nature...so we create our own problems with nature by rejecting parts of the society or something like that, don't remember...

That's the whole point! a director who fascinated me, who i think is doing something very interesting....i have spent some 10 hrs watching 4 of his films and now i don't remember what he was trying to tell me....so i have decided, all the movies/stories/books that appeal to me, i am going to make a note of them rigorously...

Sorry for the looong digression on collectives and individualistic societies, had to just keep a note abt tht too...most thoughts tht have been infesting my mind for ages....

Inner courtyard - Dopdi :)

Read the single most impactful story of my life....Draupadi by Mahasweta Devi....I think never ever a more topsy - turvied and a more powerful interpretation of a myth, ever....

How she empowered Draupadi, naked and without the need of Krishna...Krishna is our courage within, and there is no god without...

Mahasweta devi is harsh, brutal, and yells in our ears...her strong unequivocal opinions arise out of extreme conviction...the echoes of her voice, stay with us forever

Have just downloaded Sara Ahmed's Cultural politics of emotion
sounds damn interesting...this is what i want to be when i grow up....n till i am not that, i haven't grown up enuff i guess

http://rpp.english.ucsb.edu/research/race-gender-and-sexuality/ahmed-sara-the-cultural-politics-of-emotion-new-york-routledge-2004

http://www.routledge-ny.com/books/The-Cultural-Politics-of-Emotion-isbn9780415972550

"By imagining fully,

And becoming that imagined and yet real world..."

"Imagining is the closest thing to feeling compassion..if i just feel what is in one story...imagining till there is a transparency between me and the story"

- Amy Tan, in TEDtalks

Its wonderful how Amy tan tries to marry what her traditional chinese mom said, and what amy hears around her, frm her western culture...how identity crisis can be so powerful, so powerful in creating something out of nothing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8D0pwe4vaQo&feature=channel

The magic word - Choice

This choice thing is a dicey topic....and i have in the past discussed it to death with many of my friends and i want to voice my thoughts and share my confusions

Choice - at your ability to make one at all times - almost means your in control of your life....
I don't agree with that much...you don't get to decide where you're born, who ur born to, where you grow up, which school you go to etc. etc. but these things do shape the way you are. I seriously believe we share a relationship with the world...you exist in the world, and the world exists because of you...so the world has an influence on you and you also have some amount of control on who you are and what your life is like...and these proportions vary too...there are times you influence your life more than other things in the world and vice versa....but keeping everything in control...I don't agree there is aaaalways a choice you make...

Having said this...if you blindly choose to fall into a pit...Yes, you have made a choice...
But if you were physically forced to jump into the fire...you resisted, you didn't want to fall..but you were pushed...
If one argues that one could gather that extreme bout of strength and oppose vigorously at the moment...and resist falling into the fire...then I would have to say...It's a miracle..in which case...I don't think choices exist at all...I mean, are miracles choices? I don't think so...because miracles are not controlled, choices are!

So your life is a combination of things you do, consequences of those things, things that happen to you, your reaction and the consequences to that...yes, there is an amount of choice you can exercise...but there is always hope for miracles and good and evil to happen, which is not entirely in your control!

I am going to take an extreme example to prove a point...In man's search for meaning, Viktor Frankyl says that when the jews were in the conc camps, a very few of them attained spiritual oneness and had risen above their daily mundane sufferings and were happy...so yes, there too, they had a spiritual choice...My point is then....why make any other choice...when you always have a spiritual choice to be happy?

Don't you think sometimes choice is a magic word we use for accepting our state of life...so that we are happier...acceptance always gives happiness..in which case choice could be an illusion?? a justification for where you are and who you are...if choice is a tool for acceptance...then its only a tool...like god is an easy tool for faith and manifestation??

Just pondering more ....

Don't you feel sometimes...there are redundant choices...? choices that are of no use at all...cos the choices available are not the choices you want at all??
Don't you also feel...sometimes there are disproportionately very huge prices to pay for any choice you make...unlike when you have to decide on a dish from a menu card..which is an easy choice
so when you are stuck with a difficult choice (dad dying, or you being unhappy) and you don't want to choose either, the price to pay is too high but are forced to...then isn't the force inducing a choice..in which case, the whole point of making the choice is lost, cos your being forced to pick between 2 things you don't want??? you might say tough luck baby, that's life for you...then yes, its life...but then choices are not the nicest solution providers and i rather hope for a miracle!

All said and done! I do believe there are loads of times when we can make choices, and think we are in control of our lives and must be accountable for it...but there are many nuances to 'choice' as such, and i just wanted to explore those, for sake of argument

Dark temptations

Where are we alone? Really! when? Having a little chat with our fears that pop up knowing us only too well, .....our mighty, overpowering fears

When are we alone really? Listening to our superstitions, arguing with them, fighting them...winning sometimes, failing sometimes....making peace sometimes, not doing so sometimes

Where are we alone really? Giving voice to our creepy confusions...justifying our actions to ourselves and our consciences,

Convincing ourselves and our desires, bargaining, negotiating....

Where are we alone really? Building taller and taller walls of values and beliefs, feeling trapped unaware....

Where are we alone really? Trying so hard to push far away from us, our clingy guilt

Sometimes the white robed hope visits us too, waving its magical wand whose effects we keep waiting for to take form....but by now, we are not sure if angels and goodness exist...and if they do, if we like them too much?

Our desires find the people we want to meet too...and we watch our desperation fight our desires, and often win....

So where are we alone really?

Its all been done before already. That's why we have a lifespan of 100 years, so that we can do it all over again!

if everyone around you loves you, either you're being fake, or don't know yourself too well

Aftermath

It hits you in eerie ways....it does....i realised i don't feel like singing, the way i wanted to 15 days ago...that my voice has lost a lot of passion...
I am telling myself that i am alright....but i dunno how true that is and it hits you in little little ways like this

God knows when i will be happy next!

Conflicting value systems

Everyone wants to make peace...Some make it with their outer selves, some with their inner selves...and some with both, although i don't know how that happens, when there is such a big conflict

It was a nice anti - climax...the verdict was passed, there was a break, and then the jury proceeding happened...but wait a minute, why do i feel like a victim all along, in a game of equals?
and how i free i feel now, even if in pain...
doesn't matter...lessons learnt, once more...life flows, once more

Describes me, so much

Come, come, whoever you are.

Wonderer, worshipper, lover of leaving.

It doesn't matter.

Ours is not a caravan of despair.

Come, even if you have broken your vow

a thousand times

Come, yet again, come, come.

- Rumi

Its not the love, i don't even know what that means, its the addiction, desperation, the fear of losing and the slow death of hope that's killing me

Superstitions, just like faith, work only if you believe in them

My list of heart - warming movies:

Paris je t'aime
Chungking express
In Bruges (Not so much when it begins to end, and gets much darker, till just before that!)
Breakfast at tiffany's
Before Sunrise, Before Sunset
P.S. I love you
The French Kiss - Pyar toh hona hi tha
One fine day
Pretty woman

Its only words and words are all I have...to take your heart away...da da dada da da da, dada da da da da...da, da.....da da da dada, da, da, dada, da, da, dada....
You think I don't even mean a single word I say...its only words and words are all I have, to take your heart away

Resolving to become more of a woman...whatever that means....will have to discover
Just out of curiosity, what else? what ever else?

I was telling reshma about my desire to be a mom...she said she wasnt as romantic as they made it out to be....a lot of responsibility...
Ya, I know...but i won't be a responsible mom....I'll only be an awesome mom :D
My kids will probably complain to death about how they have to skip breakfast, cos i don't get up on time, and how they are tired of eating pizzas all the time...on how i leave my cell phone behind when i come to their open house, on how they always have to be on their toes, when they are around me...and how soon they have had to grow up too soon, but they'll never be in dearth of love, understanding, and anything else they will want, ever. Ever.
Including me being responsible for them, if need be

Of fluid identities, fluid relationships, uncertainty and comfort...

I am not your daily friend...but i can be your eternal love

Fluid identity

"The wheels just keep on turning, the drummer begins to drum, i don't know which way I am going, I don't know who I have become"

Someone I know told me once..."If I change, I wont be who I am"...I wondered, who else will you be then?
This just triggered a lot of thoughts in my head...Why are we so scared of losing ourselves...and how can we lose ourselves...we will always be something

As long as there is change with awareness, any change is a discovery worth making...a path worth taking...even if the changes for the bad

So, don't typecast me into one of those rusty grids in your imagination....don't believe anything i tell you about myself....I will never keep up my promise!

Dil khudgarz hain...phisla hain phir haath se

Hope without faith is a hopeless situation to be in...

I have been hoping for too much these days...with very little faith....god noes, where this road will lead me to...

dad fears that he'll lose me if he lets me go....i say he'll lose me otherwise

Or mayb, they have already lost me :|

sometimes, i think i should run away from everything....like forrest gump did....and understand things well enough on the way, to come back.

Pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice...

- Nehaa

Marriage & love, just like other illusions is dependent on all the people who are in it, who believe in it

All answers can't be obtained by asking questions and the immensely curious are also immensely patient

Coming to terms with anonymity….by beginning to love myself more…

curiousity and nirvana

The curious know no fear, cos they don’t know the outcome…are hopeful, cos their curiosity is driven by a hope that they wud finding something tht excites them, teaches them more…

They are not very imaginative, imaginations can trap u….so bad, and pin u 2 a possibility of outcomes….

Life is so vast, so huge, so merciless, unfair, giving, generous….why make sense of it? Completely, wholly, fully…

Curioser knows that anything can happen, so is prepared to accept…

I am not curious enuff yet! For I fear so much, and accept so little….but I hope to get curioser and curiouser by the day….for now, at the moment…curiousity seems to be my route to nirvana

Curious to know what lies beneath awkwardness, and beyond boredom? For tht I might have to go thru the painful awkwardness and bewildering boredom…so be it, let me see wat lies behind

Conforming to our own ideals, rights & wrongs and ideal images of ourselves are also equally trapping na...where can we explore, if we already know??

Dangling relationships....all dangling..why do we even seek closure?

Loss and a lack of identity can be scary and liberating, both at the same time

On a boat that's flirting with the wind, going where its being taken, and no shores to be seen door door tak...

Confusion is my only sure and permanent choice

Funny cos you should be more honest with the ones that judge you, so that they don't misjudge you..but you do so, absolutely otherwise...Aha! acceptance of self

I rather have pain than fear. Pain has always propelled me into another plane of understanding

But there is no intuition without knowledge and no awareness without intellect ?

Lost words & thoughts are like a piercing knife of regret.

In peace with the self...and in love with the world

Zen frees me, from my past and the future...thus I can choose my own past and create my own future...or do neither :)
Zen is blissful in a state of distress and temptingly avoidable otherwise...that's my problem with it...Asking for too much noe?

An idealist will always be helpless thinking about solving a huge impossible problem involving systems and not him, and miss out on simple solutions that can better situations, that arise from acceptance of a situation

And yes, I am an Idealist :|

"Love is three quarters curiosity"

"Real love is the love that sometimes arises after sensual pleasure: if it does, it is immortal; the other kind inevitably goes stale, for it lies in mere fantasy. "


"The reader of these Memoirs will discover that I never had any fixed aim before my eyes, and that my system, if it can be called a system, has been to glide away unconcernedly on the stream of life, trusting to the wind wherever it led. "


Giacomo Casanova :D

Whether opposites attract works for you or not is dependent on how much of a narcissist you are

Same old. same old. Caught between the knight in shining armor fighting for glory and simple boy next door, hunky dory

Torn into a billion pieces and lost counting the numbers

My latest big lesson

Accepting the other reject you gracefully is the highest form of accepting yourself

Some phases are so long, so long that by the time they are over..you have changed so much, you can't recognise yourself
So no point in the phase getting over

Aspiration and Desperation

There is only a thin line of difference between aspiration and desperation...which is why people get angry when they are called wannabes

Yes. The Buddha's last words: "All conditioned things are subject to decay—strive on untiringly"

More confusions...more trouble accepting

People are not what you wish them to be...They are what they are...the same way, sometimes even you are not what you wish to be..you are what you are?
So, will acceptance allays my fears??
A narcissist is in love with himself...but more often than not, this love is unrequited...isn't it?

i think I have understood everything that i possibly can about India...Now I need to understand what India is not to know it better

Trying not to sink in the sea of normalcy..and mundaneness...fighting, resisting..fear accepting...
fear loosing myself in the crowd
Playing the role of an outsider, while yearning to be an insider...an accepted, acclaimed insider
Observing, myself and my prejudices..and others with my prejudices..suffering from the jaundice of sight
Going mad with my job, my compulsions, and my struggle to be unbiased and detached

I searched, seeked, cried, fought
and then when i found noone to turn to, i turned to myself

Pfaff and fact

Fact is ugly....difficult to digest, not easy to understand
Pfaff is euphemistic, is a story...a fiction based on truth

Note to myself

Work does not kill as much as worry...work, don't worry!

Self - control & Temptation

Self-control is giving up on a possibility
Temptation is giving in to it

Resurrection...or thoughts of it, at least

I blamed her, I blamed him...I blamed them all...
I cried, I cribbed, I screamed, I shouted
I felt helpless when i saw my loudest pitch drowning, unnoticed
I felt scared and hopeless
But continued to keep my pet hobby of being lazy
Then it all got worse, I was still lazy and then I got desperate
I continued blaming, felt weak, felt helpless
My unfulfilled desires, my killing confusions
My pain made me a poet
I found expression, but no solace, no peace
Now I had reached my pinnacle downhill, i couldn't afford being lazy, scared or scarred
I looked within, found shattered pieces of hope and the strength to glue them together

I am a strong believer of the idea that every turmoil is a lesson, and every solution has to come from within...I keep forgetting my lessons, for my own convenience, to support my own illusions, then get hopeless and then learn them again

Give love and nothing more...expect love and nothing more

My wild desires blind me, bind me...
loosing my sense of judgment, perspective
loosing myself to confusion, indecision, an ocean of choices
killing myself with prejudices and stubborness

The problem with existential pain is that it has very little hope and lot of helplessness

I don't know what you know about me...cos i haven't told you the whole story

learnt that I need to...

Focus on my desires, not on the fact that they are unfulfilled.

S:Have you gone mad?

R: Not there yet. I am evolving!

:D

Like quicksand, this life traps u...b4 u even noe

Acceptance is the art of letting go of the illusion that everything is perfect while holding on to the hope that everything will be...

Sane --> One Bad day --> Insane

This is one of joker's (from Batman) dialogues. And my favorite!

"So... I see you received the free ticket I sent you. I'm glad.
I did so want you to be here. You see it doesn't matter if you catch
me and send me back to the asylum... Gordon's been driven mad. I've
proved my point. I've demonstrated there's no difference between me
and everyone else! All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest
man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just
one bad day. You had a bad day once, am I right? I know I am. I can
tell. You had a bad day and everything changed. Why else would you
dress up as a flying rat? You had a bad day, and it drove you as crazy
as everybody else... Only you won't admit it! You have to keep
pretending that life makes sense, that there's some point to all this
struggling! God you make me want to puke. I mean, what is it with you?
What made you what you are? Girlfriend killed by the mob, maybe?
Brother carved up by some mugger? Something like that, I bet.
Something like that... Something like that hapened to me, you know.
I... I'm not exactly sure what it was. Sometimes I remember it one
way, sometimes another... If I'm going to have a past, I prefer it to
be multiple choice! Ha ha ha! But my point is... My point is, I went
crazy. When I saw what a black, awful joke the world was, I went crazy
as a coot! I admit it! Why can't you? I mean, you're not
unintelligent! You must see the reality of the situation. Do you know
how many times we've come close to world war three over a flock of
geese on a computer screen? Do you know what triggered the last world
war? An argument over how many telegraph poles Germany owed it's war
dept creditors! Telegraph poles! Ha ha ha ha HA! It's all a joke!
Everything anybody ever valued or struggled for... it's all a
monstrous, demented gag! So why can't you see the funny side? Why
aren't you laughing?" - Batman: The Killing Joke

My job status

It's painful to have an insecure boss.But its the best ego boost ever :D
Apart from that, a job in hand is apparently worth several in ambush...so waiting and watching

The key to making decisions is never regretting them later, no matter wht. I think its the anticipation of that uneasy, heavy regret stuck in your chest, that makes you run away from decision making. That, "No thank you, but I might as well stay at home" feeling!

Experimenting with this mammoth of a resistance to accept unconditionally and let go

What next???

These days, the topic i most ponder about is our problem with anonymity. Why do we need to differentiate ourselves from others? so badly, that we internalise prejudices and divide using class and caste?

why do we form groups - for security, acceptance and growth?
why do we need to think similarly to be in a group? why do we shun groups that don't endorse wat we do? wht is the bigger need, that makes us crave for acceptance, one upmanship and fame?
And suppose, lemme presume we have this...what now? are we happier? what if we are better than others undoubtedly and others look upto us??
We come powerful. Ok fine.What next? We become more powerful. And now?

Random, random, random

This awesomely passionate friend of mine told me that "Every problem has a solution" and when he said it, he really really actually, REALLY really, AcTually believed it...
I want to believe tht too...with the same conviction.

where is my passion, where is my conviction?

I realise today, I am one of those who is either ur best employee or ur worst and nothing in the middle. Right now, I am at my worst..no passion, no will, no motivation...and highly cynical. Started blaming everything around, while its my mind tht i can't control...knowing this now leaves me with no hope to escape, but to find a solution. May be the road i need to find won't show up till i stop complaining

Pain is the strongest form of self-pity. And can be gotten over. It can be gotten over. IT can be Gotten over.
that's one of the things vipassana teaches

Fast food life

Its getting junkier by the day. Unhealthily prosperous

Class and Gender - My little learning

I was really scared. Had to do a SEC C Men's group for alcohol. I was sure they wouldn't open up to a woman about this. But it went off brilliantly. And I kept wondering why. The SEC A or B groups didn't go that well. I realised with the SEC C group, it was the class card that worked. They were really eager to please me and so co-operated and opened up to impress me. With the SEC A/B men there was no class card that worked. So gender played its role. I was acutely aware of being a woman. Wonder what I should do to get them talking too?

Downloaded Amadeus soundtrack and for the first time loving Mozart. Listening to him makes me happy :D

A random realisation

I am a humanities person. Hard core. I am not a doctor.I am not a fin person, by a long shot. I am not an Engineer. Without remorse.
Sociology and psychology give me reasons.
Philosophy helps me think.
And spirituality helps me find answers

Sometimes...

It's so important to pin the blame on somebody else, when you are angry with yourself...cos you don't have any other choice..it's either you or him, and it rather be him
It's easier to forgive others, when you are not angry with yourself and guilty, for what you are.

Blindfolded in a black box

They blindfold u with love and send you into this black box of marriage...
While blinded, you imagine colors...
But they don't blindfold you well enough...knots open before a lifetime..unlike marriage, which never ends. atleast Not before you do
and you see black, and no colors...

Is fame a gift for finding something interesting about you or an opportunity to know yourself better?

Too much maintainance cost, i guess

I paid a huge price for my innocence and then got rid of it

Of judging

You escape judging people by judging them every minute

And, yet...long live my confusions

With conviction, there is no confusion. With confusion, there is only more confusion...

Men and insecurities are not worth sulking for more than 3 days...and yes, i am over my latest

Courage

What is courage, but a function of the strength of your desires?

The two learned men

Once there lived in the ancient city of Afkar two learned men who hated and belittled each other's learning. For one of them denied the existence of the gods and the other was a believer.

One day the two met in the market-place, and amidst their followers they began to dispute and to argue about the existence or the non-existence of the gods. And after hours of contention they parted.

That evening the unbeliever went to the temple and prostrated himself before the altar and prayed the gods to forgive his wayward past.

And the same hour the other learned man, he who had upheld the gods, burned his sacred books. For he had become an unbeliever.

There is only so much that knowledge can offer..the rest is faith